She told me that she thought we were going to get married sometime in the next year and a half we had talked about it and I actually had been making plans for a proposal, secretly browsing rings that I'm pretty sure she knew I was looking at etc and that she doesn't want to start over with someone else. I kept calm but told her how seeing that video basically fucking shattered me.
That no one would want to see that in the first place, but that her doing those things with him but outright telling me she never had and never would with me tore my ego to pieces and that it would probably take years to fully recover, and even then I'll never forget it. I did read a couple of excellent posts from a few female redditors that were amazing perspective needed that I will remember going forward.
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She readily agreed but said she was terrified this meant I was breaking up with her, which felt like a punch to the gut. I sorta get what she means, but at the same time this is also kind of her doing, though I didn't say anything.
I may hang around here for a day or two more, but I don't think there's going to be any significant updates. No idea what's in store for me.
I expected to be more emotional during all of this, but I felt empty.
She asked to sleep next to each other one more time, but I told her that I didn't think that was a good idea because this was already hard enough for me as it was and that that might make me crack. Even if I don't necessarily agree with the logic, I better understand it.